I wasn’t sure if I was going to post pictures of my latest surgery. My reconstructed foob (fake boob) that was made from my belly is absolutely amazing and miraculous, (definitely medicine from the future). I would love to show everyone what 10 hours worth of surgery will get you, how talented my surgeon is, and that stuff like this can actually be done! My abdominal incision however looks like it is straight out of the dark ages and maybe not so pretty but to me, still pretty cool. I was conflicted due to a few reasons. 1. Not sure if people are into surgical wounds 2. Not sure if it’s cool or not to post a reconstructed breast made out of belly fat all over social media for everyone to see. And 3. I don’t want this post to be about me or it to seem like a sympathy post based on my gnarly surgical wounds. I did decide to share a few anyways (see below) for all the curious minds outs there but more for all my sisters in pink who are deciding if this surgery is right for you or not. It is a huge surgery and even bigger decision to go through with. I hope this helps you ladies in one way or another.
You know, I was never promised an easy life by anyone. I used to think years ago when I was first diagnosed with cancer, and definitely the second time, “God, why me”? When I lost so many babies, “Why me”? When Cora needed 3 surgeries before she was 2 and Calvin was born 7 weeks early and was in the NICU…”Why me”? When my marriage shattered into a million pieces, “Why me”? The financial burden of being sick, “Why me”? And too many more, “Why me”??? But now that I am (hopefully) on the other side of things, I am feeling gratitude, joy, strength and confidence with all that I have been through.
When I look back at all the heart aches, the pains I have endured, the grief I have worked through, the relationships that were lost and rebuilt… I can’t help but think what kind of person I would be today, or better yet where my faith would be, if I hadn’t gone through all of this? I know that God didn’t give me all these burdens, but I can 100% say that together, we have used these trials to grow me as a person and my relationship with Him.
I feel like I have been in some sort of bootcamp. I have been training and training HARD. I have been power lifting some pretty heafty afflictions over the years. Life’s barbell has felt pretty dang heavy. I can’t even count how many reps I have done or how many times I thought that bar was never going to make it back up and come crashing down on my chest; crushing me. But through faith and strength I was able to get into a position to get er done. I was able to steady myself, brace my body with my feet planted firmly on the ground. I was able take in a deep breathe and exhale and push push push that barbell. You know how it feels; that last rep… your body is drenched in sweat… your arms so weak they are shaking from the fatigue… but you continue to push, push yourself to get it… and the barbell returns to its cradle… and its nothing short of a miracle it made it there.
For me, I felt like I have been in constant training; life having been thrown at me like I have to do “just one more” rep. I breathe and I press….some how I do it and then again. Life says one more… just give me one more! I panic. I doubt myself and think “I cant do this, I just don’t have it in me to do just one more”.. and somehow… just somehow I get another press out. My endurance is growing.
Nobody wants to go through difficult seasons in life. We work hard to make life comfortable and when things do get rough, we can get angry. Even angry with God. We could wonder if He even cares what’s happening to us. But what if the difficult times in life were less about what’s happening TO us and more about what God wants to do IN us?
I know one point or another everyone has a version of their own 20” incision that has cut deep into their belly. You are going to have to press some heavy weights at some point. Life is going to ask you for “just one more” rep. You’re feeling weak. Your muscles are shaking and the fatigue is real…. Remember, your attitude toward your struggle can determines what happens IN your struggle.
I am feeling better everyday. Thanks for reading!