When I was little, I could always tell summer was right around the corner when all 3 of my brothers would come home with a wiffle, mohawlk or complete buzz cut. Of course, having three older brothers and always looking up to them, I wanted to do everything that they did. And, in my 6 year old mind having a mohawk was a perfectly acceptable summer hair cut for me too! But my mom didn’t agree, so on I went with my pig tails, french braids and bananna curls.
Well guess what! Summer is here and just like my brothers used to, I finally got my wiffle. Too bad I am about 30 years late and it’s under these shitty circumstances.
I decided on Wednesday that it was time to say goodbye to my hair. I was tired of choking on fur-balls from hair was falling in my food, sweeping up tumble weeds of hair in my house and leaving a blazing trail of wispy hairs in my wake landing in & on everything and anything that was behind me. It was nice that I was leaving a piece of me behind but my shedding head is not really what I had in mind as an ideal departing gift. It got embarrassing that my hair was everywhere and sticking to everyone!
Nate buzzed me while Bekah videoed. We laughed as they compared me to Shinade Oconnor or Brittney Spears. I was thinking more Demi More in GI Jane. I could easily play the role with my new bad ass bald head. It’s somewhat empowering walking around with no hair. I just need to add a few more tattoo’s, some buff muscles and add I a Harley and I totally got this!!! Ha! Then I remember I am 6 months pregnant, 5 ft tall and have no desire to ride a Harley. That vision was fun while it lasted.
Based on my last post I bet you all think I am going to continue on about how much I miss my hair, how beautiful it was, blah, blah, blah…. Well, i’m not. I do miss my hair, but it just hair. It will grow back. And while I’m not too upset about it being gone. I surprised myself at what I did uncover.
I thought this whole time that loosing my my actual hair was the hardest part but I realize now that it wasn’t the hair. It is admitting I am sick, accepting the fact that I have cancer and that I can no longer hide. That I have a chronic illness that is affecting everything and everyone in my life now and what’s in store for the future. What bothers me most is that I can no longer hide my sickness. With my bald head and my swollen belly, I now scream I am pregnant with cancer.
It’s taken me all week long to write this blog. The words did not come easy to me just as its not easy for me to admit that I am in this vulnerable state. It’s not in my personality to be this way… What ever way this breast cancer has made me. I know it may make no sense and it’s still early with my disease and I have a long way to go.
So here I am world, bald and 6 months pregnant and yes I have breast cancer. Stare all you want, notice me but notice I am not defeated. Breast cancer doesn’t have me. What does have me is my love of life, love for my family and friends and love for the little life growing inside of me. I have faith that everything is going to be fine and with faith anything is possible.