I am ready now…
Do you ever wonder why it is so hard to ask for help especially when you need it most? And I am not just talking in cancer land. Does it mean that we are admitting to a state of weakness, vulnerability or letting go of our independence. What about admitting the fact that we just can’t do it. When I first got “sick”, I put it quotes because I don’t feel sick. I don’t feel at all like my life is at stake here in any way shape or form. In fact I could easily pretend that none of this is happening. Due to the obvious, that is not an option. Anyways, when I first got sick I was appalled at anyone suggesting me asking for help. WHO ME? I don’t need help, I got this! I remember very clearly before my very first surgery in April, I was pissed off that people thought I needed help. What do these people think, I am dying or something? I was too proud 😦 I also didn’t want to admit that I was sick and something was wrong. I know, I know, it was foolish thinking, but I am blaming it on the pregnancy hormones. (love that I can use the hormones as pretty much any excuse of irrational behavior and totally get away with it). I know people just wanted to help but I wasn’t ready for it. So instead, I probably burnt out my husband, parents and in laws. Sorry guys to put it all on you. THEN, Cora was born, Nate went back to work and Bekah returned home. I quickly learned that I did need help and lots of it. I welcomed all the help I could get at that point. It was then I realized that asking for help isn’t such a bad thing. It is a good thing. I spent time with friends, lots of people got to meet Cora and again I got to experience feeling more love than I ever have.
I was told by numerous friends who are cancer survivors “when you’re facing cancer treatment, it’s pretty much imperative that you ask for help. Treating cancer is a full-time job (from hell no less), so if you’re pregnant, running a household, caring for a newborn, recovering from cancer surgery (in my case 4 surgeries) or all of the above, it is literally like adding another job into the equation. You will probably not have the energy to do them all effectively. The sooner you come to terms with this- the better”. I learned that the hard way.
So here we are facing another surgery, and to me, my biggest challenge so far. The pregnancy, the chemo, the c-section, I feel is nothing compared to this. Wednesday I will be heading to Faulkner Hospital for a total mastectomy. BOOOOOO!!!! I hate to even think about this and have been putting it out of my brain for weeks. But, shit be gettin real now and its time to face this and whats to come afterwards. I have talked with friends who have had mastectomies. They ALL have told me hands down to follow the doctors orders and don’t over do it. We shall see how that goes with Cora, but I promise I will do my best and leave the laundry, cooking and cleaning to others. The two grandmas have had their bags packed for weeks now and are ready. I am quite certain they can’t wait to push me aside and get their hands on that cute baby of mine. They are only two people though and I will need help with other stuff as well as Cora for about 4-6 weeks. I have been ordered not to lift her. I am sure just holding her will be a challenge for the first few weeks. Cooking will also be a challenge. I have frozen some slow cooker meals but the freezer is only so big.
So here it is…my humble request for help. Whether its Encouraging words here in the comments, your company, help with Cora, laundry, chores or if you can fix a meal, it would be so much appreciated. So many have asked before if you could help and I am sorry I pushed you away. Here is your chance, I am ready now. Ok, not really, but really.
(Gosh I hate this)…. I have created a website to sign up for meals at Take Them A Meal, just find me under my LAST name and use “Cora” as the password. If you want to visit, do chores, whatever, just text me and I will pencil you in. And of course, I welcome all prayers. Prayer is so powerful and we will take all we can get. Thanks everyone!