E-day is what I am calling it and its tomorrow. Execution day – not for my right breast but for the cancer that is inside of it. Of course I’ve been feeling myself up every chance I get! And I now think I realize why men and babies like these things so much. They definitely are soft, warm, squishy little fun pillows.
I was suppose to call Faulkner Hospital between the hours of 1-3pm today to get my surgery time for tomorrow. Whoops! I have been so busy making sure my family will be all set in my absence that I forgot to call. Or maybe I really don’t care what time surgery is and I continued on with my day as if nothing is going to change. Unfortunately, Faulkner hospital remembered me and called to let me know my surgery will be at 11:30 tomorrow morning.
I’ve been thinking about this particular blog entry and what I was going to say. When I sat down early this morning to start writing I had very little thoughts and feelings towards what was about to happen tomorrow. Honestly I really haven’t thought too much about it. And I don’t/didn’t want to. It’s just too sad.
Monday, I went in for pre-op testing and ran into my OR nurse I had back in November and October. She asked what the hell I was doing back and I told her the unfortunate news. During our conversation she asked me two questions, 1. if I was ready and 2. Am I ok with this. I first thought what dumb questions for a nurse to ask another nurse. Surely she knew if I wasn’t ok with it than I wouldn’t of been there and 2, do I really have a choice in this matter? Hello, nurses code! she should know all this. But now, I get it- she was treating me as a patient , and rightfully so. I gave her my cookie cutter response that I’ve been giving everybody “of course I’m ready, it’s time for the cancer to go! It’s just one step closer to the end. I just keep my eyes on the finish line and I’ll be there soon, Plus I’ll get a nice set of boobs out of this.” . We talked a little more she wished me the best. …. Since then, those two “dumb” questions have been haunting me. I have been thinking about those same two questions all along but don’t want to answer them. And while there is truth to the answer that I gave her, it is only half an answer to both her questions. It’s the positive answer. The nice answer. The one that everyone wants to hear. The easy part to think about. What about the other half to that answer? Ya know, the really hard stuff that I don’t want to talk about that goes along with having this disease and undergoing a mastectomy? And when I think about that “stuff”, no, I’m not ready. Who would be? This is some tough stuff to swallow. Who wants to think about what it wil be like to wake up and feel the void of where such an intimate piece of me used to be. What if I hate my new breast? How will I feel with no nipple or the inability to not feel the tenderness of Nate’s touch or the sweetness when Cora rests her head there. Those joys have been stolen from me by this ruthless disease. So, no I am not ready and I am not ok with it.
I was diagnosed last March This cancer has been my dementor and has haunted me for the past 10 months. Tomorrow I will wake up from surgery missing a piece of me but gaining my life back at the same time. And while those other things are heartbreaking for me to think about I can’t imagine a more freeing moment of being rid of the source that is causing all this pain.
I have asked Nate to write tomorrow and keep everyone updated. For now he is taking me out to dinner to anywhere I choose! Not only is it one of my favorites I figured it was most appropriate. I want my right boob to be surrounded with as many as its friends as possible before she gets laid to rest. So off to HOOTERS we go for a little date night and farewell to my right hooter.