Crazy car

“Its a good thing you had the mastectomy” is just want I wanted to hear from my cancer surgeon after I spent endless weeks upon days. Deliberating over and over again if indeed I needed to execute my right breast for the good of my body and my family. After hearing those words I was proud and so happy I did the right thing. I had a gut feeling, something wasn’t right here and turned out to be true…it wasn’t. But then in next breath, my smile quickly went away and I realized “Oh crap, what did you find?”  It is also the last thing I wanted to hear. He we go on the crazy car ride. You know the ride where the car goes all over the place, where you hold on for dear life, you try and get off but it keeps on going and going.  Hold on tight people, here we go.

It was somewhat of a quick phone call and one that left me baffled. I was told that there were two more tumors found in my breast and NO ONE knew about them. SURPRISE!!! I think to myself are you frickin kidding me? More cancer, what?!?! You would think my next question would have been to the tune of where did it come from, why didn’t anyone know about it. But I was a few pain pills deep and  just so excited my breast was taken for good reason, I hung up the phone. I heard all I wanted to hear at the time.

Since, these new findings have really shaken me. It puts this cancer in a whole new kind of category for me. I once was confident that when I am done with treatment I will be done with this cancer. But now, not so much, breast cancer is sneaky, its a sly little devil that lingers in the shadows. Hiding waiting to destroy. It is trying its hardest to stay inside and do it’s shifty work in the dark. I don’t feel safe any more. I feel like I no longer have a hold on this. My control (if you really have any control with breast cancer) has been taken away. My crazy car is off the track with no driver.

The mastectomy to me seemed radical. But something, someone (God) kept telling me over and over again….get rid of it. I knew something wasn’t right and it wasn’t. I can’t even believe what they found. Imagine if I went ahead with another re-excision,(re-excision meaning- take more tissue from the breast, not removing the whole thing, leaving breast tissue behind) these two new cancer areas would have never been removed. They would have been left behind to slowly poison, possibly spread and potentially kill me. I would have finished treatment thinking all is well and BAM!!!  Only to show up on mammogram 6 months from now a new cancer and start this whole thing over again from square one again. Those thoughts are terrifying. To do this all over again… I, I just couldn’t.

Tomorrow I will gather with my team of doctors to talk about whats next. Where do we stand. Does anything change or am I good since I removed the entire breast and ALL the cancer. I have yet to hear the words “Cancer Free” although are you really ever free from cancer? Tomorrow hopefully the wheel of my crazy car will be taken and I will be back on a track, back in control.

To end on a better note, tonight I got to rock my sweet Coraline to sleep. I have tried before but usually ended in pain and Cora taken by Nate to finish the job. Not tonight. It felt good. I am getting better.

boob scarf

 

 

5 thoughts on “Crazy car

  1. I too, pray that you are TOTALLY cancer free. As you know already , one of my best friends and her two sisters went thru all of this breast cancer with double mastectomies. And thank God, they are all doing great! And you will too my friend 🙏🏼😊 God bless your strength and courage and faith,Jodi.

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  2. Wow that is huge. I am so glad you went with your gut. I relate completely to the “out of control” feeling. The hardest part of cancer for me was when treatment was over… And I realized there is no such thing as over. But it does get easier with time. I can never bring myself to declare my body “cancer free” though. I use the language of my lab reports– no evidence of disease. The four most beautiful words in the English language! I am currently waiting on my yearly MRI results. That’s all I want I hear!

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