Scanxiety … It’s a real thing and I’m probably not the first cancer patient to blog about it or the first cancer patient to experience it. But here I am at Dana Farber in the woman’s only waiting room for my 2 o’clock mammogram with a lump in my throat, tightness in my chest and some very sweaty palms. I’m looking around at all the other ladies trying to figure out what there story is. Anything to take the focus off me. Looking for something else I could possibly do, I thought “hey, I will write a blog post”.
The road has been long and the dust is starting to settle. I had a job interview this week for some part time work. I keep thinking normalcy is right around the corner. OR… in just a few hours things can completely change again. I know the likely hood of that is small but there is still a possibility. You see, as survivors, when we hit remission we’re not out of the park. The next five years we are on standby. A waiting process to see if the cancer will return. Most of the time we can attempt to move on and live. But when it is time to report for our next check-up scan all of the memories come rushing back. The fear. The unncertainity. The anxiety.
So, I sit here ignoring the pit in my stomach trying to hold it together. I will say a prayer and think of all the people who love me and have been supporting me. I will think of my sweet baby Cora who ALWAYS brings a smile to my face. I will take a deep breath and know that what ever is to happen is completely out of my control. I’m sure it will be fine, I am sure I will be fine.