Things in life don’t always go as planned. Things in my life never go as planned. I’ve come to expect it and deal with it well. Lol- well maybe not so well right now…

I had an ultrasound of my lymph nodes earlier this week to check the progress we were making with chemo, and to help set a surgical date for AFTER Baby K’s arrival. I met with my surgical oncologist after my test and the news was not really what I was expecting. Insert something funny here … I’m not feeling too funny right now so you will have to come up with your own humor.

While my tumors haven’t grown, they haven’t shrunk either. They are the same size as they were 13 weeks ago- not good. They also found another tumor that was “probably” there before but no one is really sure or at least hasn’t said one way or another to me.

The chemo isn’t working…. what’s next? Well, if I wasn’t pregnant they would switch me to another chemo… however, there are no more chemo options available to me that have been proven safe during pregnancy. So the good news is…. I am done with chemo for now. Yeah (said in an extremely sarcastic, monotone, unexcited voice).

The not so good news… Next line of defense is surgery. AND… I am already booked for July 10!!! Just 12 short, wonderful days from now. I hope you’re sensing my sarcastic tone here.  I wish I was more enthusiastic about this but I am not! Having surgery while pregnant brings on a whole new set of anxieties. It is totally safe for the baby (at least that’s what they tell me, but I’m tired of them telling me stuff). However my small mind just can’t comprehend it and I just plain-old don’t like it. It seems so risky. I had surgery with Cora and yes, she is more than fine… but I was terrified the entire time going through that. I hate even thinking back about it now. My plan this time around was to have surgery after, AFTER, the baby was born. Not before and certainly not 12 days from now. I’m not happy! I do not like this change in plans. Wooosah…. I’m rubbing my earlobes trying to calm down. Not really,  but your getting it right???

Being comfortable after surgery is also a concern… little oxycodone for momma and Baby K for pain management… Oh yeah,  no problem! Ugh! Although again all of the doctors assure me it’s completely safe (there they go telling me stuff again… tired of hearing this). What mother feels comfortable taking narcotics when pregnant? It goes against everything I know and feel to be right. So, I will chose to suffer in pain and tough it out with Tylenol. Flipping great!

Again, I now have 12 days to completely get my motherly nesting act together… after surgery I can’t do squat for 4 weeks. And right after the 4 weeks is up, it’s baby go-time. After surgery my right arm will be totally out of commission. How the heck am I going to get a nursery together, all the baby laundry done, folded and put away, sterilize all the bottles and everything else I have to deep clean and do to get ready for a baby??? AAAAAHHHH!! I know people will help- but I’m sorry you guys, that’s MY JOB! I am the mom, I want to do it. I want to do it all!!! It’s all part of it, it’s all part of the big baby picture, it’s my job. I want to gawk over the little outfits and imagine how cute he is going to look in them as I fold and put them away. I want to imagine me holding him with a bottle, smelling and kissing his little head while I make room in the cabinets for the new bottles I just got. I want to clear a space next to me in our bedroom where he will sleep safely next to me. This is MY passage to motherhood… MINE! I should have 9 more weeks to get this done. Cancer brought that down to 5 more weeks for an early delivery, and now with this new change in plans I am down to 12 flipping days! FU cancer! I am screaming it as loud and clear as I possibly can right now…. F U cancer… F-off!!!!!!!

Ok, Im going to reel it back in here….

As soon as my 4 week restrictions are removed it’s baby go-time! It will be time for a special early delivery and we can meet our little man. The big prize in all of this. The climax to this story. When we all smile and nothing else matters except the sweet little boy that has joined us. Lets bask in this moment 🙂

And now…  back on the crazy train…

Then who knows what the heck will happen after the baby. More chemo? More surgery? Radiation??! I don’t know!!! Cue the cancer shit flinging monkey…

I’m doing my best to stay positive here. It’s discouraging to have come this far and not made much ground. Especially when dealing with cancer. I feel like I am a ticking time bomb and we are racing against the clock trying to beat it before it goes off and spreads in my body. That this is some game of chance and we roll the dice and see what we get. Cancer is just like this… a game of chance. I can do everything right and still lose to cancer just as much as if I do everything wrong and never have cancer ever again. It really doesn’t matter.

What does matter is I could drive myself crazy and drown or I could rely on my hope and float. I can get lost on the what-if’s or I can find my source of certainty. This is no easy feat right now… a part of me feels like I am slowly dying, I’m losing this battle right now. But the other part of me feels strong as hell and this is just another blip in the road only to make us stronger. Everything will be fine…. I am pregnant, hormonal and overreacting.

There was a sermon in church I heard a few years ago… the pastor was talking about how life is like a football game and how we are all players in the game, on the field. We can only see the game from a on-field perspective and can only see each play as it’s carried out. We can only see the players and challenges as they exist immediately surrounding us. However, God doesn’t see it that way from above. He is looking down and is able to see the entire game from His seat; in the offensive/defensive coordinator box so-to-speak. Start to finish, He knows all the plays and what’s going to happen in the entire game. He is holding the play book and has a plan for every situation. At this point, today, I just have to trust God that He is looking down on my game and He knows every play, every move and every decision made and believe that the game plays out exactly as He intends it to. That my game is up to God and not up to chance; that He is in control.

In the meantime, I will be a pregnant lunatic on one hell of a cleaning and nesting binge for the next 12 days. I know it will be ok, I really do. I am sure I will be back to my happy self tomorrow, but for now these changes in plans really suck.

Chemo #10. Can you believe we have been doing this for 10 weeks????!!!! Time is flying by and this is one step closer to putting all this behind me (hopefully forever). When this first started 2+ months ago, even today seemed so far away and OMG, soooo overwhelming. I couldn’t even think about the amount of hours that was ahead of us or imagine how we would get there. I would break down and just sob to Nate and ask “How are we going to do this again?”. I would tell him “I don’t have it in me to go through this again”. We would talk late at night when he got home from work, holding each other, we felt so grateful that we did in fact make it through another day, and another day and another day and another day… it’s been 85 days since I woke up that morning, went in to see my OB for a simple complaint that turned into a day of multiple tests and ultimately a diagnosis of a breast cancer recurrence. 85 days of uncertainty. 85 days of concern. 85 sleepless nights and 85 days dealing with a cancer monkey flinging all sorts of shit at us… AND HERE WE ARE! WE ARE STILL STANDING PEOPLE! #Killefferstrong. And although we have waaay more than 85 days ahead of us, I will promise all of you… We will be standing then too. Might be a little beat up, a little weathered but we will make it through. I know deep down in my heart that is true even though I I’m choking on a frog 🐸 in my throat and some doubt in my fingers when I type these words. But failure isn’t an option. Not here, not now.

We love Florida! I think there was a year (long time ago) when flights were really, really cheap. Like under $100 round trip cheap. Totally unheard of today and we absolutely went to Florida like 5 times that year. I can assure you we were experiencing terrible New England weather and just couldn’t help escaping to our piece of paradise in the sun with palm trees surrounding us.

When you think of Florida besides the obvious (our friend Mickey Mouse) what else comes to mind when thinking warm weather, sun, tropical breezes…. I think of palm trees!!!!! Oh I love the palm trees. I know when I see them there is usually lots of sun in the sky, a tropical drink nearby, with fresh fruit spilling over the side and a cute little paper umbrella. You know you love them too! I start to leisurely sip (sip, wink wink) and look for some water to dip my toes in. It’s a symbol it is time to sit back and relax. Jimmy Buffet songs are playing in my head right now. I grab a towel for the chair, lay back and watch those long green leaves sway as I lay with warm sun on my face and defrost from the New England chill.

I stole this from another cancer fighting momma I know who is in remission from a glioma aka brain cancer. I saw her post on FB and had to copy and share as it pertains to the above…. take the time to read-

I know not all of us are religious, but I wanted to share ~ this is a great message for all of us. Read through and replace God with any word that has meaning to you if you need to!

Have a great day!

Nothing Can Hold You Back

Have you ever seen a palm tree in the midst of a great storm? Unlike most other trees, the palm tree is able to bend so it will not break. A certain kind of palm can bend over until the top is almost touching the ground, but when the wind finally stops, it bounces right back up. What’s interesting is that while that palm tree is bent over under the pressure of the damaging winds, it’s being pushed and stretched, strengthening the root system and giving it new opportunities for growth.

The reason God said we’d flourish like a palm tree is because He knew there would be difficult times. He knew things would come against us to try to steal our joy and victory. God said, “You’re going to be like a palm tree because after the storms of life blow, you’re going to be stronger, healthier, wiser, better off, and ready for new growth.” God never brings you out the same. He makes the enemy pay for bringing the times of darkness and trouble. What’s meant for your harm He’s going to use to your advantage. It’s not going to break you; it’s going to strengthen you. You’re not only going to still be standing; you’re going to be standing stronger. #Killefferstrong #wearestillstanding