I have been jealous of everyone’s summer vacation social media posts. While I have been enjoying seeing everyone’s pics, (and vicariously living through them) I have been a little envious that my only vacation has been to Boston. A private bed on the 10th floor at Dana Farber for 13 weeks and then a week straight at the Brigham both paid courtesy of Harvard Pilgrim. Man, I would LOVE to get away and spend some time as a family and forget about all this cancer/medical stuff. There was no time with all the MD appointments each week… chemo… being pregnant… now newborn…you all know.
Miraculously, I don’t have any appointments or chemo or anything scheduled until the first week of Sept!!! Next week will be the first week (since last March) I won’t have any appointments! A whole week without seeing a doctor. That’s a great and very eerie feeling all at once. Ya know, we have put over 1,000 miles on Nate’s car since March driving to and from medical appointments alone! No joke- totally the truth. Now the car and my little body needs time to heal, rest and recover from the surgeries before we start things (treatments etc) up again. We have a much welcomed break.
When I realized we would have some ‘time off’ I got thinking while I was up feeding Calvin in the middle of the night. I started looking for some last minute deals on VRBO, hoping I could score something decent to rent for a week. 4 Seasons quality and taste for the price of a motel 6 room. So I emailed a few people looking for availability. Long story short, I got to talking with this really lovely property owner. He is a Christian and said he was praying when my email rental request came in. We shared some information and I told him somewhat vaguely that I was in the middle of treatment for breast cancer and looking for a place to go and relax. A place to go to forget about it all.
I don’t know what he was praying about when I emailed, but … can you believe he offered us their place for an entire week (to unwind, to connect and enjoy each other as a family) at NO charge!?!?! FREE!!!! FOR A WEEK!!!! When can you get anything free, never mind a rental house, on the ocean, from a complete stranger for an entire week!?!?!? I was not expecting this! I was not expecting anything at all except possibly a last minute booking for maybe a small discounted rate that I knew we probably couldn’t afford anyways. I was on a wing and a prayer and got both.
Tears of joy have been streaming down my face since I found out. Thinking about how big this guy’s heart is, really floors me! But good people DO still exist and I have been blessed by him. Flipping amazing…
I have and do really try to stay positive and keep my mental health in check through all of this. It’s easy to stay all ramped up and ready when your in the middle of the fight. But when the dusts settles a bit and there is a lull in treatment (like now) there is time to breathe. And when you stop to breathe, there is time to reflect. (Then the reality of what has happened starts to sink in a little… Woah!) I have started to realize the amount of energy and stamina that has been put into the last 6 months. Heck, the last 5 years!!! I realize I. AM.TIRED. This cancer poker face of mine has been going strong for 6 months straight. And damn, it’s hard to maintain that! My breath leaves me for a second when I think a little more about what has happened. I pause next and give a little head shake… shake off the trauma, the doubt. Shake off all the losses I have accrued, and put them neatly on a shelf in in my brain. It’s not time to deal with this yet. Not going there. I quickly pull it together. I got this, we got this. Forward thinking and ready to move forward. Back to Maine… Onto a quick little vacation and then the last legs of treatment. (Next blog will give those details)
Back to just thinking about a week away from it all in rural coastal Maine is going to be so prefect. Our little family of 4. It’s so easy to go down the cancer hole. Get wrapped up in all bullshit that goes along with it. And while yes, sometimes I feel like I am 1 second away from losing it completely or totally throwing it in and going off the reservation, I think about my family. I think about my faith and what God has brought me through. I think about the love I have experienced and the blessings. I think about our trip to Maine…
How we will have our morning coffee on the deck. We will have big comfy sweatshirts and warm slippers on till the chill of the night air leaves and the sun warms everything up. Sip after sip, the caffeine starts to work and our eyes open, we watch the fisherman in their boats leave the harbor to go collect the lobstah’s. A lovely start to the day. Later on when the sun is shining and it’s nice and warm out, Cora will be playing in the water, while daddy grills up something tasty for us. Calvin and I will be chillin- a bub for him and a glass of red wine for me from the expensive bottle Nate bought me for Christmas. I have been dying to indulge in and each sip will be a celebration of what we accomplished so far. At night, when the sun is gone and the stars are out, we will put the kids to bed. Kiss them on their heads, say prayers together and send them to dream land. (And now my favorite part of the trip) Nate and I will lay in the hammock, cuddled up in a big warm blanket looking at the unpolluted sky, probably lose track of time and savor staying up way too late, talking or just being silent in the comfort each others arms surrounded by the stars.
Take me there now! I’m so happy. This is just what we need right now. A little wind down before we wind back up. Time to forget it all and enjoy. Time to be us.