Dr Google….

Last night I was thinking about today. I went to write and the page just came up blank. I couldn’t find any words that made sense. My head was swimming with endless thoughts. These thoughts, they bubbled up quick and then scattered only to be replaced by another thought, another feeling, another angle to this predicament in which we find ourselves. My head was spinning…going too fast for me to grasp one concept or one feeling and just write it. I had so many racing, compounding thoughts and feelings and they all needed me to hear them, feel them. Last night, while I contemplated today, I was afraid, unsure, confident, strong, feeble and weak all at once. So I just went with it. I gave each restless thought it’s time, time to be felt and acknowledged, then onto the next one. A pool full of next ones, and somehow I eventually drifted off to sleep.

Then I woke up to chemo, day one. I’m home now, and we officially have one round of chemo on the books — only 15 more to go! Woot woot!!! It was a loooong day. We left the house at 6am and walked in the door around 6 pm.

Here’s the rundown—

7:30 am: labs,

8:30: oncologist visit to review the master plan,

9:40: 19 week ultra sound to measure the baby for growth (and see if it’s a boy or a girl)

10:45: visit with high-risk OB

11:30: chemo

Needless to say, we are wiped out. Over all, things went well. The baby is growing and is right on schedule. No issues there at all. The chemo went smoothly. And by smoothly I mean, I had a reaction to one of the drug components in the chemo… that was fun. My nurse pushed the “oh crap” button and people came running. Poor Nate got kicked out of the room, I hate when that happens. I had no clue what was going on. I kept asking the nurse, and she kept saying “you will be ok, this is just protocol”. They gave me more Benadryl, more steroids, and restarted the infusion 30 minutes later. Yeah so, at least they figured that out on this first round. It went GREAT!

We are home now, resting. I have a new arsenal of mess (I mean meds) to take to help fight the side effects. I like a clean bedside table and these pill bottles aren’t helping with that. You know, the type of meds that when you google the name, Dr. Google says none of them are safe during pregnancy. Well Dr. Google, I’m pregnant and I have to take them you asshole. Damnit Dr. Google, I was pregnant before and took the same meds then. My child is just fine—she is perfect, a little miracle. Dr. Google doesn’t know shit!

For all you ladies who don’t eat lunch meats during pregnancy… well, here are my thoughts: if I can get chemo, take all these meds and still have a perfectly fine (even perfect) baby… a #7 turkey sub done ‘Mike’s way’ with lettuce, pickles, no cheese no onion is the last thing I or you need to worry about. So if anyone wants to bring me Jerseys Mikes for lunch! YES PLEASE!

So enough… I’m pretty tired and maybe a little wasted off of Benadryl and steroids, and who knows, maybe the chemo too. Probably best to put this down and get some rest.

Our prayer for tonight: that this chemo stamps out this nasty cancer tramp inside of me. Be gone you nasty parasitic hobo! We’re done with you! Thanks for listening everyone. Lots of love, and goodnight!

Crazy car

“Its a good thing you had the mastectomy” is just want I wanted to hear from my cancer surgeon after I spent endless weeks upon days. Deliberating over and over again if indeed I needed to execute my right breast for the good of my body and my family. After hearing those words I was proud and so happy I did the right thing. I had a gut feeling, something wasn’t right here and turned out to be true…it wasn’t. But then in next breath, my smile quickly went away and I realized “Oh crap, what did you find?”  It is also the last thing I wanted to hear. He we go on the crazy car ride. You know the ride where the car goes all over the place, where you hold on for dear life, you try and get off but it keeps on going and going.  Hold on tight people, here we go.

It was somewhat of a quick phone call and one that left me baffled. I was told that there were two more tumors found in my breast and NO ONE knew about them. SURPRISE!!! I think to myself are you frickin kidding me? More cancer, what?!?! You would think my next question would have been to the tune of where did it come from, why didn’t anyone know about it. But I was a few pain pills deep and  just so excited my breast was taken for good reason, I hung up the phone. I heard all I wanted to hear at the time.

Since, these new findings have really shaken me. It puts this cancer in a whole new kind of category for me. I once was confident that when I am done with treatment I will be done with this cancer. But now, not so much, breast cancer is sneaky, its a sly little devil that lingers in the shadows. Hiding waiting to destroy. It is trying its hardest to stay inside and do it’s shifty work in the dark. I don’t feel safe any more. I feel like I no longer have a hold on this. My control (if you really have any control with breast cancer) has been taken away. My crazy car is off the track with no driver.

The mastectomy to me seemed radical. But something, someone (God) kept telling me over and over again….get rid of it. I knew something wasn’t right and it wasn’t. I can’t even believe what they found. Imagine if I went ahead with another re-excision,(re-excision meaning- take more tissue from the breast, not removing the whole thing, leaving breast tissue behind) these two new cancer areas would have never been removed. They would have been left behind to slowly poison, possibly spread and potentially kill me. I would have finished treatment thinking all is well and BAM!!!  Only to show up on mammogram 6 months from now a new cancer and start this whole thing over again from square one again. Those thoughts are terrifying. To do this all over again… I, I just couldn’t.

Tomorrow I will gather with my team of doctors to talk about whats next. Where do we stand. Does anything change or am I good since I removed the entire breast and ALL the cancer. I have yet to hear the words “Cancer Free” although are you really ever free from cancer? Tomorrow hopefully the wheel of my crazy car will be taken and I will be back on a track, back in control.

To end on a better note, tonight I got to rock my sweet Coraline to sleep. I have tried before but usually ended in pain and Cora taken by Nate to finish the job. Not tonight. It felt good. I am getting better.

boob scarf