Sweet Baby, Sour Cancer

My journey through cancer and pregnancy, twice.

Ok Cancer, I don’t know why your STILL kicking around in my boobie but it’s time to get rid of you once and for all!

Yup! My pathology came back and my margins still have disease! Which means, yet another surgery. Now,  I think it’s time to say goodbye to my right breast. Sayonara!

It has served me well. You figure boobs have 2 jobs. 1. Attract and reel in a good husband with them… Check!… and 2. More importantly to feed a baby. Which I did by the way, get to feed Coraline with both for the first four weeks before I had to stop and let them dry up like the Saharah  for surgery (cancer you suck, messing up my plans yet once again) The cancer side did pretty good keeping up with healthy boob. I was surprised, but never the less that had to come to a heartbreaking end and now we are onto formula. Which by the way you would think that stuff is made out of caviar and should be served in a silver bottle. The cost of a can and how quickly it dissapears is both ridiculous and mind boggling. It’s the baby formula that will put us in debt, never mind the hospital bills!

So where are we at? In the past 6 months I have had 3 breast surgeries, 1 c- section, 1 baby, 4 rounds of chemo and a partridge in a pear tree that still has flippin cancer!!! My head is spinning. How did I do all that to now, still feel like I am right back at square one. It’s scary to think this toxic disease has been in my body for well over a year now! The old saying “always follow your gut” keeps popping up in my head. I originally wanted a radical mastectomy with my first surgery but opted for the less invasive lumpectomy. Little did I know I was in for the “non- radical” or slow mastectomy that happens over time, where they remove piece. by piece,  by piece,  by piece. I now wish I followed my gut. But, I made the right decision for me and my pregnant body at that time.

Next up is –  I have to meet with the plastic surgeon, hopefully next week and we shall see what kind of  new boob or boobs they can build me.

But for now, let’s celebrate the ta-ta’s… All the twin ladies out there-  Shake em, let them hang(high or low), give them a squeeze, love them, cause you just never know when you have to say goodbye. I never thought this would be me, but I always thought if it was, this would be easy to do… not so much.

Wow! It’s been a long time since I have posted anything! And of course we all know why- I have been soaking up every single second of being a new mom to my sweet little baby girl. Looks like all those old wives tales and theories I tried and wrote about in a previous post proved true for me. It was a girl! 

Cora was born on Sept 10th and the past 2 months have been exceptional! I have so much to write about and couldn’t possibly fit it into all one blog post. Lots of people have been asking when I am going to start writing again. My plan is to start  while I am in sunny Florida next week recovering from hopefully my last surgery- thank you for the push Meri Duffy! 

I have tons of half written blogs that I will finish and post- but I make no promises! I am pretty tired right now and I have to prioritize what gets done everyday. Unfortunately my blog has had to go on the back burner till I gain more steam and speed. I am also writing this blog on my phone making the typing pretty slow- a lap top would be much easier but can you believe we don’t own one. I always had one through work but since I haven’t been able to work-  no lap top for me. Oh well, I will make due with what I have as I always do. 

So hopefully you will be hearing from me in sunny Florida!  

  
    

On Sept 10 at 3:39 in the afternoon, Coraline Helen Killeffer was born. She was 7.14lbs and 19 3/4″ long. After a long,  very slow progressing labor we got the hint that Cora had no intentions on coming into this world naturally. After laboring for 2 days and not getting very far, a c- section was necessary.  Of course it was the last thing I wanted… Ugh, yet another surgery, but I was exaughsted and knew that a natural birth was just not happening at this point. Once in the O.R. it was discovered that Cora was stuck in my pelvis and there was no way she would have made it out via my mamma part. Having a section was the right choice and my womanly parts would be spared from the toll of birth. 

I guess she was wedged in there pretty good too! I do remember the doctor asking for a stool to climb on top of me on the operating table to pull little Cora out. Other than that I only remember bits and pieces but I guess it got a little “exciting” in there at one point. I was totally snowed and oblivious to what was happening but Nate got to witness it all. He does admit to thinking he might loose both Cora and myself at one point, but he says it was a brief moment and the doctors took great care of us. 

Cora was pretty stunned at birth ( I would be too if I was being yanked out of a nice warm sac by my arms) and I was told she was a few shades of gray instead of nice pink😬. She required a bit of resuscitation but perked up right after and was/is completely fine. I ended up bleeding out on the OR table after she was out due to a “lazy (tired) uterus” but again, the MD’s quickly got everything under control. I was sewn up nice and given a couple units of blood.

Both myself and the baby are just fine, in fact we are perfect. It’s been about a week we have been home and love our new family of 3. Nate and myself make a great team and we are actually getting some sleep inbetween feedings,  poops and lots of baby cuddling.

Enjoy the pics… More to come.  

         

   Well, today is labor day and tomorrow is my due date…guess what? Still no baby. We have tried EVERYTHING, I mean EVERYTHING… I have been on a steady diet of pineapple smoothies, buffalo chicken anything, Chinese food buffet, mexican, a glass of wine, cold beer, then repeat. I have walked up and down my street so many times, I now know all my neighbors and they know everything there is to know about me. Running totally on hormones at this point, I am sure my neighbors got more than an earful and probably know more than they ever wanted to know about me and this baby…ha ha, oh well. Anyways, I have bounced on the yoga ball, laps in the pool, hung myself upside down off the couch, pressure point massage, hubby and I, well, you know…. repeat it all again….and still…. NADA!!!!!!!

Looks like Baby K is not as eager to meet us as we are to meet him/her. This baby surely doesn’t realize its celeb status and that there are literally all of you and so many others all around the world who have been praying for it and waiting for it to make it’s grand appearance into this world.

Due to my miscarriages, I have had it in my head this whole time that I was a poorly suitable host monkey for a baby. I always felt like baby would be safer on the outside sooner than later and was completely ok with delivering early, I wanted to deliver early. I get that baby has to cook, I do! But, when you think there is something wrong with your cooker, that it could malfunction at anytime, and then add surgery, chemo therapy, extra medication, stress…it felt like a recipe for disaster. Looks like I have never been so wrong…this baby has set up shop! It has settled in and is quite comfy in there.  Even now as I write, I can tell baby is very happy, moving all around and is very content inside of me. Guess I am not that bad of a host monkey after all.

Tomorrow is also my birthday. So lets see, we want baby  to be born on its due date, on labor day and on my birthday. What an awful lot of pressure we are putting in this little baby and its not even out yet! It would be the best birthday present ever to get hold this baby on my birthday.  For some reason, I don’t see that happening. In fact I feel like this baby will never come out. I just keep remembering what my father in law said to me… He has never met any woman who was pregnant for ever, the baby has to come out at some point!

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Its growing and its growing fast! I thought my baby might have more hair than me but I think at this point we might be tied or I might end up having more. One thing for sure both our heads have and will have that baby, super soft hair. The kind you cant stop touching, like baby bunny soft hair. So when you meet my little bundle and cant resist to smell its head and touch it soft hair- don’t forget about me and give my head a pat too!

We all remember back when my I had to shave my head and what a truly a formidable experience it was. Since then it has proven to not be that bad. The positives:  I guess i have a really nice shaped head. Of all the compliments I have gotten, the shape of my head has been a very consistent and popular one.

Showers truly only take about 3 minutes now and getting ready has been drastically reduced to about 15 minutes.

I didn’t have to worry about getting my hair wet in the pool,  instantly turning that perfect blow dry that took me 20 minutes earlier that day into a french poodle style. Very convenient.

I have been told that being pregnant is August is not fun for anyone- well, I have remained that perfect body temperature all summer, not too hot and not too cold, just right and I am guessing it has to do with no hair!

I guess there is a period of time after you give birth that your hair, well, sheds and thins. Been there, done that, check!

Needless to say, life continued on… I just had to do it bald.

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Sorry about the middle finger. I am not a potty mouth on social media but when it comes to cancer, I feel the middle finger, respectfully is quite appropriate.

So whats the big deal about being bald? This was a reoccurring question I would often ask myself… I would follow that question up with, what’s the big deal about being bald and pregnant?  I came up with this: when your bald people just assume you have cancer and your sick. Easy judgement. Being pregnant and bald, people just assume your some kind of sicko! That was readily told by the disapproving look on people faces that would be shot at me in Target or at the grocery store. Point blank I could easily read … “what kind of mother would do that to herself?” or “your that babies mamma, poor kid”.

There were a few times I wanted to shout back “yes, I have breast cancer! ” or just totally pink myself out to the max on breast cancer awareness garb in order to help the poor people at the guessing game they were playing in their head on what was actually wrong with me. But, that’s not my style and I think it was more fun to keep the strangers guessing. I would allow them to stare, continue on, and then fire back with a big ole sickening smile, maybe even say hi. Something a crazy person was sure to do.  It really didn’t bother me and I don’t think they were trying to be mean.

Before being sick I probably would have made that same judgements because really, what are the chances of being pregnant and having cancer..????

Being bald for me felt like my head was constantly wet. It did keep me cool but often too cold. It was very sensitive to temperatures and just wanted to be covered. Like it was a private part that rarely saw day light and preferred to have some thing, anything on it. My fuzz is doing the job now and I could care less if I have a scarf or hat on. I don’t think I have covered my head at all in the past 5 days now that I think about it. There was a time when going out and putting on a scarf or baseball hat made it easier for everyone. but I think that time is behind me.

Over all I have come to like my downy. peach fuzz state, I could do with out the gray…. But, I am not special. Everyone’s hair comes in gray after loosing it from chemo.

I do long for the day when I can once again run a brush through my hair or pull it back in a pony tail but after a few tears, well a lot of tears and some getting used to loosing the hair really hasn’t been that bad….. I guess 🙂

I am glad its growing back in and happy to share my progress with you!