Crazy car

“Its a good thing you had the mastectomy” is just want I wanted to hear from my cancer surgeon after I spent endless weeks upon days. Deliberating over and over again if indeed I needed to execute my right breast for the good of my body and my family. After hearing those words I was proud and so happy I did the right thing. I had a gut feeling, something wasn’t right here and turned out to be true…it wasn’t. But then in next breath, my smile quickly went away and I realized “Oh crap, what did you find?”  It is also the last thing I wanted to hear. He we go on the crazy car ride. You know the ride where the car goes all over the place, where you hold on for dear life, you try and get off but it keeps on going and going.  Hold on tight people, here we go.

It was somewhat of a quick phone call and one that left me baffled. I was told that there were two more tumors found in my breast and NO ONE knew about them. SURPRISE!!! I think to myself are you frickin kidding me? More cancer, what?!?! You would think my next question would have been to the tune of where did it come from, why didn’t anyone know about it. But I was a few pain pills deep and  just so excited my breast was taken for good reason, I hung up the phone. I heard all I wanted to hear at the time.

Since, these new findings have really shaken me. It puts this cancer in a whole new kind of category for me. I once was confident that when I am done with treatment I will be done with this cancer. But now, not so much, breast cancer is sneaky, its a sly little devil that lingers in the shadows. Hiding waiting to destroy. It is trying its hardest to stay inside and do it’s shifty work in the dark. I don’t feel safe any more. I feel like I no longer have a hold on this. My control (if you really have any control with breast cancer) has been taken away. My crazy car is off the track with no driver.

The mastectomy to me seemed radical. But something, someone (God) kept telling me over and over again….get rid of it. I knew something wasn’t right and it wasn’t. I can’t even believe what they found. Imagine if I went ahead with another re-excision,(re-excision meaning- take more tissue from the breast, not removing the whole thing, leaving breast tissue behind) these two new cancer areas would have never been removed. They would have been left behind to slowly poison, possibly spread and potentially kill me. I would have finished treatment thinking all is well and BAM!!!  Only to show up on mammogram 6 months from now a new cancer and start this whole thing over again from square one again. Those thoughts are terrifying. To do this all over again… I, I just couldn’t.

Tomorrow I will gather with my team of doctors to talk about whats next. Where do we stand. Does anything change or am I good since I removed the entire breast and ALL the cancer. I have yet to hear the words “Cancer Free” although are you really ever free from cancer? Tomorrow hopefully the wheel of my crazy car will be taken and I will be back on a track, back in control.

To end on a better note, tonight I got to rock my sweet Coraline to sleep. I have tried before but usually ended in pain and Cora taken by Nate to finish the job. Not tonight. It felt good. I am getting better.

boob scarf

 

 

More Peach Fuzz…..

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Its growing and its growing fast! I thought my baby might have more hair than me but I think at this point we might be tied or I might end up having more. One thing for sure both our heads have and will have that baby, super soft hair. The kind you cant stop touching, like baby bunny soft hair. So when you meet my little bundle and cant resist to smell its head and touch it soft hair- don’t forget about me and give my head a pat too!

We all remember back when my I had to shave my head and what a truly a formidable experience it was. Since then it has proven to not be that bad. The positives:  I guess i have a really nice shaped head. Of all the compliments I have gotten, the shape of my head has been a very consistent and popular one.

Showers truly only take about 3 minutes now and getting ready has been drastically reduced to about 15 minutes.

I didn’t have to worry about getting my hair wet in the pool,  instantly turning that perfect blow dry that took me 20 minutes earlier that day into a french poodle style. Very convenient.

I have been told that being pregnant is August is not fun for anyone- well, I have remained that perfect body temperature all summer, not too hot and not too cold, just right and I am guessing it has to do with no hair!

I guess there is a period of time after you give birth that your hair, well, sheds and thins. Been there, done that, check!

Needless to say, life continued on… I just had to do it bald.

IMG_5054

Sorry about the middle finger. I am not a potty mouth on social media but when it comes to cancer, I feel the middle finger, respectfully is quite appropriate.

So whats the big deal about being bald? This was a reoccurring question I would often ask myself… I would follow that question up with, what’s the big deal about being bald and pregnant?  I came up with this: when your bald people just assume you have cancer and your sick. Easy judgement. Being pregnant and bald, people just assume your some kind of sicko! That was readily told by the disapproving look on people faces that would be shot at me in Target or at the grocery store. Point blank I could easily read … “what kind of mother would do that to herself?” or “your that babies mamma, poor kid”.

There were a few times I wanted to shout back “yes, I have breast cancer! ” or just totally pink myself out to the max on breast cancer awareness garb in order to help the poor people at the guessing game they were playing in their head on what was actually wrong with me. But, that’s not my style and I think it was more fun to keep the strangers guessing. I would allow them to stare, continue on, and then fire back with a big ole sickening smile, maybe even say hi. Something a crazy person was sure to do.  It really didn’t bother me and I don’t think they were trying to be mean.

Before being sick I probably would have made that same judgements because really, what are the chances of being pregnant and having cancer..????

Being bald for me felt like my head was constantly wet. It did keep me cool but often too cold. It was very sensitive to temperatures and just wanted to be covered. Like it was a private part that rarely saw day light and preferred to have some thing, anything on it. My fuzz is doing the job now and I could care less if I have a scarf or hat on. I don’t think I have covered my head at all in the past 5 days now that I think about it. There was a time when going out and putting on a scarf or baseball hat made it easier for everyone. but I think that time is behind me.

Over all I have come to like my downy. peach fuzz state, I could do with out the gray…. But, I am not special. Everyone’s hair comes in gray after loosing it from chemo.

I do long for the day when I can once again run a brush through my hair or pull it back in a pony tail but after a few tears, well a lot of tears and some getting used to loosing the hair really hasn’t been that bad….. I guess 🙂

I am glad its growing back in and happy to share my progress with you!